Others have given great practical advice, so I’ll give you something to think about.
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken ceramics. They highlight the joint pieces with gold powder which makes the object even more beautiful and unique than it was originally in its unbroken state, embodying the philosophy of wabi-sabi, embracing the beauty in the imperfect.
Please take inspiration from kintsugi and find the beauty in your journey of repairing yourself.
The smallest channel I’m subscribed to is Flexperiments, a channel focused on modifying fountain pens to make a super flexible nib and have insane line width variation that I have never seen before. If you like fountain pens, you might find it interesting.