HelloThere

That’s kind of you to say, thanks.

Fair enough. Enjoy your life.

What happened when you stopped being a child?

I try. I don’t always succeed.

No, I don’t think you’re going to hit someone, but you did say worse people than you are in relationships, and I was reminding you that bad people do hit women, and scare them in to never leaving. Neither of us think that is the type of relationship you want.

As I’ve said before, one day you’ll realise that your attitude contributes to - but didn’t create - your situation. Insisting you are utterly powerless keeps you in that hole.

I am not saying you need to change. What I am saying is that the negative part of your personality is drowning out all other parts. Those parts are still there, they are still as much a part of you as they always were, but you just can’t hear them.

You are not helpless, you are not broken.

When was the last time you can remember being happy? Think back, it may have been a very long time ago, what was it you were doing?

So your bar is what, not being an absolute cunt?

You’re aware that people are not typically in consentual relationships with bad people, right?

Being shit scared of your partner is not a good thing.

If it was only that, it wouldn’t be representative of reality. For me to be able to have a good relationship required a lot of change. Namely I had to accept some responsibility for my situation and stop pretending it was only other people’s fault.

A relationship is a partnership, it requires everyone involved to bring good things to it. If they don’t, it will fail.

You don’t have to be beautiful, or rich, or famous to be in a relationship, but if you aren’t nice to speak to, or be around, trustworthy, caring, considerate, etc, why would anyone want to spend their life with you?

You refuse to except your attitude and actions have contributed in any way to your situation. As a result, you will never be in a relationship.

It’s your decision. Your circumstances won’t change over night, it will take a long time and a lot of work, but if you really want to, you’re absolutely capable of it. You are not fundamentally broken and irreparable.

Now you’re just lying to yourself, this is from my original comment.

Many, many, years and 3 more failed relationships on, I’m 9 years in to a very stable long term relationship with someone I absolutely adore. My single goal is to not repeat the same mistakes as before, and we tackle everything as a team. If we’re feeling uneasy we speak to each other and help each other. I’m so proud of what we have built together. She is the smartest, most empathetic and kindest person I know. I count myself so lucky that she is my best friend, a willing big spoon, and I get to play with her boobies. It’s incredible.

Friend, you were the one who asked the question what it’s like. I’ve told you, and also explained how you can get from where you are to being in a relationship.

I can’t force you to seek help, but if in the future you ever feel like you’d like to chat, feel free to message me.

You don’t have to push everyone away, not everyone is out to hurt you. I hope you realise this before it’s too late.

We’re not bullshitting you, we are trying to show you the way out.

And yeah, you got me, doing this does make me feel better. I feel better when I can use my experiences to help people. It helps me to remind myself to be kind to myself. Everything I am saying to you applies to me as well.

I won’t give up on myself, so why would I give up on you? You are just as valuable and important as I am.

Ignore the bit in your mind telling you to push us away, again, it’s scared that you’re realising that you are not it, and that it’s losing some control. It has got very used to being in control, but it is a part of you, you are not a part of it.

You don’t need to know about specific topics to do translations. Think about it, no one can know everything, right?

Your English is really good. I imagine your Italian is similar, as well as whatever your 3rd language is. You are clearly not dumb.

Have a read of this - https://gengo.com/translators/

Worst case scenario, you’re right, you can’t do it. So, no different to before, beyond a bit of wasted time. So you might as well have a look, you’re not gonna lose anything.

Thank you.

It’s taken a long time, and I’ll be honest and admit that a good amount of what was written above was by the more adult and rational parts of my mind, than the emotive bits. I’m still working through a lot of shame, and on bad days it’s still floods back, but usually less than before.

There’s many thousands of steps ahead of you, but you’ll get there, I believe in you.

Good on you for standing up for yourself - and you’ve identified something very important, women are not all the same. Keep reminding yourself of that.

This is so wildly inappropriate for what Op is struggling with it’s unreal.

Whatever your parents did to you to make you think this “tough love” approach is right would be best unpacked with a therapist. Get help.

I’m 34, the point I’m making is age doesn’t matter for what we are talking about. You are in a very similar mental and social state to what I was then. I’ve also relapsed multiple times since then. This shit is hard. But you are not alone, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you can’t see it because the tunnel is insanely fucking bendy just to fuck with you.

I am sure there are Italian women that match what you describe, just as there are British women like that too. But I am certain there are others who aren’t like that, and value different things.

Now, do they want someone who is only looking for the negative? No, they don’t. But that is the exact same as the other part of your brain that is not wanting that either. You are not defined by your sadness. While it is a part of you, and always will be, it is not all of you.

I also appreciate that given how fucked the political situation is in Italy right now, and with a fascist in charge, being an immigrant must be incredibly difficult. But you are not defined by what racists say. Fuck those cunts. The best way to get revenge, on them, is to live the life that proves them wrong.

I will not get better and fucking listening music won’t change jackshit on my life.

Again, your continued replies give me reason to believe you can get better. You just need to take the hardest imaginable step, which is to open the door and start the first 100m.

But you’re right, listening to a song you like isn’t going to change your life. But it will help you remember what feeling a tiny bit happier feels like. It may even give you a way to deliberately make yourself feel a bit happier when you’re having a bad day. When I’m really down I usually watch films I loved as a kid - like The Mask - and, for those 90 or some mins, I feel a bit better. Not a lot, but just enough to stop me falling further. And then I have to rebuild.

There are many steps left in the tunnel, but going forward will get you to the end. You can’t see it, I know it feels like it doesn’t exist and you’re completely alone in the dark, but it is there, and you’re not alone. You can do this.

I agree, you are not a contrarian, but the bit of your mind that wants you to be sad all the time is. Why? Because it keeps you sad by stopping you from thinking about the contrary, as in being a tiny bit happier.

Just because you can’t complete a marathon today, does not mean that you are not capable, eventually and with training, to do so. But you have to start with the first 100m, and that bit of your mind is stopping you from even trying to do 100m, with the justification that because you can’t do 42km there’s no point to do 100m.

Or to put it another way, if you want to listen to Chop Suey, you listen to Chop Suey, right? You don’t justify not listening to it because you don’t have time to listen to SOAD’s entire discography.

Walking 100m, listening to that single song, or identifying something that makes you feel ever so slightly happier (not revenge!) is all the same thing. It’s all just taking a step. Nothing more.

You are not being fake by letting yourself enjoy something you enjoy. Again, that is the little bit of your brain wanting you to be sad convincing the rest of your brain to stop you doing that thing, because if you do that thing, and you’re a tiny bit happier, it gets less powerful.

Mate, think of it this way, how can you possibly know what another person wants, and what makes them happy, man or woman, when you are struggling to accept that you are simply allowed to feel even the smallest amount of happiness?

If you can’t understand that for yourself, and you spend all day every day inside your head, how can you possibly be certain that you’re correct for 7 billion others?

If you were right for 7 billion, then 1 more should be pretty trivial, surely?

Or, maybe it’s because that it’s just a lie the sad bit of your brain is screaming at the rest of your brain, just to keep you sad.

Negative thoughts are a part of you just as much as they are a part of me, but they are not all of you, and you are not only them.

And the same applies for positive thoughts, we contain a mix of both, not only one or the other.

Your English is good.

Have you looked in to translation work?

Stop focusing on the finish line, you’ve barely started.

You live in the same world as us, it’s as much true where you live as it is where we live.

Humans, fundamentally, want companionship.

I wouldn’t class revenge fantasy as positive, if I’m honest.

Parts of your brain will fight you on this, but try and think of something “nice” that makes you feel a tiny bit better, or happier, or relaxed.

For me, it’s stroking my cats and/or going for a walk, but it could be pretty much anything really - as long as it isn’t “I just want to watch the world burn” type stuff.

This isn’t easy, it won’t happen over night, but if you keep trying to identify something like this, and then purposefully choose to do it on a regular basis, you’ll have done the first 100metres.

Try to remember that part of your brain wants you to be sad and angry and depressed. You’ve listened to that bit a lot. But the bit that wants to be happier, that believes things can be better, is what is keeping you replying to this thread. Practise listening to that bit more.

I wish you the very best of luck. You can do this. You are worth it.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing, you can use music to process emotions you may avoid at other times.

What gives you a positive emotion? What makes you slightly smile?