Please be kind with me! I always mean well and have good intentions. I’m just in a position where I’ve started a new career role (overwhelming in and of itself), while also trying to see what unfolds when it comes to relationships (I’m at an age where there’s more pressure). Any help/advice is appreciated!
My guy friend (Bob) and I got a bit too friendly at a nightclub. It wasn’t like anything drastic happened, however we did hug several times flirtatiously which he mostly initiated. I might’ve initiated the very first one but it was pretty mutual. I didn’t know how to deflect his multiple hugs especially in front of our peers where we usually have to be so PC and professional. Somehow, we started chatting after leaving the club, and I’m not sure how the topic came up but it was likely when he stated that I looked uncomfortable. I mentioned I just wasn’t expecting us to get so physically close in a short period of time, at a nightclub nonetheless, even if it was hugs. I explained I tend to be more conservative with intimacy and we also just started our professional roles.
Our chat got so awkward, and I found that he has manipulative tendencies. He has constantly given mixed signals, pretended not to remember basic details about me that we’ve talked about admitting that he likes to mess with people, got defensive stating he doesn’t want to be friends as this will be weird, he wants to tell his best friend about all of this, drank a lot and said he drove so it seemed he wanted an excuse to hang out. The punchline was when he said he doesn’t think we should date and then asked if he hurt my feelings as it apparently looked like I was going to cry. I was confused because nothing had even started between us, and I felt like he was being really presumptuous or wanted to upper hand. He wavered back and forth, said he liked being friends with me and the group we’ve formed with his best friend collectively, apologized a few times for potentially leading me on. After all of this, he also told me he had been wanting to kiss me, clearly wanting to drag out the one on one time so late at night. Ultimately, we agreed there’s mutual attraction but not enough or proper that we should act on it. We agreed one of us has to be the stronger one and I walked away first.
The big problem now is his best friend. I caught some type of feelings for him right before all of this happened and was actually hoping to see him. I made sure that Bob knows how much I value my friendship with his friend, with himself, and us as a group. He said he won’t tell him details like the hugs but he does want to bring up the awkward gray area moment. My stomach is unsettled because I believe Bob planned this all along, as soon as I had a great deep talk with his friend with him in earshot earlier that same day. I think he got jealous and may ruin my connection with his friend. He even said he thought I’d make a nice couple with his friend. I asked if we should just all 3 sit together after a meeting we’re attending tomorrow, and he deflected it. I get that he’d want to have real talk with his friend, and I told him point blank I’m not trying to meddle, but I now feel like I really need to do something from my side.
Should I tell his friend when I see him in person today (Bob won’t be there)? If so, what do I even say and I should text Bob a heads-up right? Or give Bob more time to tell his friend since he’s busy this weekend? Stepping back, is there anything to even tell Bob’s friend? Because of the hugs or mainly that it became a gray area between friendship and romance? How can I deflect hugs without making guys feel rejected, especially when others are watching and we need to be very professional in this group? Is Bob someone I should stay away from and what could I have done better? Any other advice or thoughts are welcome. Thank you!
Move on from both. You haven’t emotionally attached at all to either guy so spare yourself a lot of obvious incoming drama. No reason to get involved in that mess other than fleeting attraction.
You’re young and will absolutely meet someone else that will blow the doors off those two and without the BS.
Thank you for sharing. I’m struggling because his friend is one of my closest friends, and I don’t want to jeopardize that. I feel like I did start to get emotionally attached during my deep conversation with his friend yesterday. Do you think it’s not a good idea because they’re such best buddies and will put bro code above me? Should I talk to his friend today when we’re one on one in person? If so, what should I even say without obliterating all potential of friendship developing into something more with him (the friend)? There are a lot of politics here too so whatever happens, we all need to at least be on good terms with each other.
I feel like I did start to get emotionally attached during my deep conversation with his friend
Not to belittle your very real and valid emotions, but you only feel this way due to youth and hormones. If you distract yourself with studies or hanging out with best friends you aren’t attracted to for a day or 2 you’ll cool off so to speak.
I would participate in whatever plans you have already agreed to, but use that time as an opportunity to declare you do not want to escalate the relationship with either friend so you all remain platonic at most. Tell your unrelated friends who will be there this is your intention so they can help keep you on track.
If they get salty tell them ‘this is why: I want friends, not drama. Can you be that for me?’. The answer tells you who you should friend or avoid.
Your post history is outrageously dramatic. I would advise you to find a healthy hobby or two, preferably away from the internet.
Yeah they’re ridiculous. Half of this seems imagined or shower thoughts she’s had.
deleted by creator
I hear you and that’s always wise, but I’m really not sure where I’m supposed to meet someone. At extracurricular clubs or people from completely other professional teams at this organization?
The people you’re friends with at work are probably friends with people who don’t work there - and if you have a friendship outside of work with those people you’ll probably end up hanging out with their friends at some point, maybe you’ll even make friends with them. Then you’ll end up hanging out with their friends at some point, etc etc etc.
Okay, it doesn’t sound like there’s really anything Bob could tell his friend, unless he was lying. For many people, hugs are just normal everyday thing they don’t think much of. Perhaps that’s the case here.
How can I deflect hugs without making guys feel rejected, especially when others are watching and we need to be very professional in this group?
I guess you could just say you don’t feel comfortable hugging someone you’re not close with. That’s pretty valid, everyone has different boundaries for physical contact.
Thank you for sharing. I’m worried about the extremely awkward conversation I had with Bob and that he will harp on that rather than the hugs thing when talking to his friend. That conversation sent everything in a spiral and became this huge pain point that can undermine my friendship with his friend (most important to me out of all this), more than the hugs themselves. Ugh I hate that this happened and am afraid of the consequences or that it’ll change all dynamics. Won’t his friend feel like I’m hiding something or not being honest if I don’t proactively communicate with him? Or, would this be a don’t tell if he doesn’t ask? Is it more likely that bringing this up will open a new box of problems and backfire?
You’re asking for trouble. You should avoid both at this point. If they’re real “bros”, and they had a conversation about you, they too would agree to avoid you and not date you or if they’re really dirty, they may convince you to let them both have you, taking turns or simultaneously.
Departing a bit from other advice. Have fun however you think that’s possible. If you choose to get emotionally involved, you’re bound to get your feelings hurt. But don’t worry about hurting either of them.
Phew this was a lot. I can’t give you good advice, when I see situations like this I’m just happy not to be straight.
Edit: I meant no disrespect, it’s just that in queer spaces there is so much less drama of this type due to widespread acceptance of fleeting attractions
